Sri Lanka feels like they've been in a civil war for 26 years. Try to imagine that feeling.

I'll tell you when my heart dropped into my stomach and I got that "Oh no," feeling about Sri Lanka. I was sitting at the dinner table with Chandra and he was watching the news, and some army propaganda came on the television. Chandra took this as the prime moment to tell me about how wonderful the Sri Lankan army was, and how proud their country is of how they shut down the war. "Even the US and Europe are asking us about our military tactics! They are saying, 'How did you do it so quickly and swiftly, Sri Lanka? We would love to know your secret!' All the news sources are talking about it, you must have heard!" (This is when the heart falls into stomach, sensing a deep untruth but not knowing how to dispute it.) I told him actually that I had not heard. He was furious with me and scolded me for not following the news. Pointing to the book I was reading he said, "You spend your time reading this, but you should pick up a newspaper and read what's going on in the world."

Now Chandra is a good man who has based his life on tourism and making people happy. He is not about getting rich through the business of it either, an lives incredibly modestly. However, his country has been in a terrible war for most of the time he's been busy making foreigners happy in his unhappy country. there was evidence all over Wasana that told me Chandra is also an alcoholic, something I do not hold against him but which I do think is sad. He had been drinking when he made this statement. Now, who am I, a young privileged American woman, to tell a drunk Sri Lankan man who's never left his country that these facts his local media had ingrained into his sense of truth, were wrong? As an American, I certainly know about the news coverage not always representing the truth but here's a good one for you that The Australian recently reported: "The UN now estimates as many as 20,000 civilians were killed in the final mayhem, as army shells rained down on as many as 200,000 civilians squeezed into a tiny land sliver between the two sides." Who was I to tell Chandra, "Actually, I think your military tactics are disgusting and nothing to be proud of. And no, the US is most certainly NOT looking to copy them." I couldn't say this to a man who had showed me so much kindness. We are all ignorant in our own ways, and actually as he was telling me all this I was mostly aware and ashamed of my own ignorance.

I've been putting off this post from my recent trip to Sri Lanka because it's been difficult for me to gather my thoughts on the place. My first impression of the country and the people was, "It is eerily quiet and clean here. It's also really pretty and the people look more westernized. And oh my God, everyone on motorcycles are wearing helmets! The streets are organized and not full of animals and garbage! I am not in Kansas anymore!" And then I realized that eerily quiet part was because the people were in a state of grief, they were confused, ashamed and a little desperate. Welcome to a Police State. Colombo was a ghost town full of people with their mouths shut and armed guards with huge guns were everywhere guarding the colonial beauty of yesteryear. I did not feel safer in their presence.

I have a confession: I did my homework on Sri Lanka after I returned from the country, so all the weird vibes I picked up on while I was there was in a state of naivete. I'm sure you've all been reading the headlines this week that have revealed what is going on in the Tamil refugee camps, how journalists are being murdered for writing about the truth and how the UN is about to throw in the towel with this country. Now that I know a few more truths about the Sri Lankan civil war, I am a little horrified by Sri Lanka. This is an age old story of people hating each other. Of the few Singhalese I met while in Sri Lanka, I wish I had the insight to ask them what they thought about the whole situation, and do they really hate the Tamils as much as their country makes it seem they do? Perhaps this would have been inappropriate, I don't know. They just wanted me to be a happy ignorant tourist. But I knew something was very wrong. It's strange what you sense although you cannot see and you cannot hear.

Why didn't I know all this before I went to Sri Lanka? Well, a lot has come to light just in the past week since I've been back. Also, Sri Lanka's 26 year war ended right when I touched down in Bangalore in May, and yes, I did read the local newspaper headings that day about the Tamil Tiger leader who had just been killed, and thank God for that! (That's sort of how the newspaper read.) Since I've been in India, I've been getting my news from the BBC homepage, and I know there are details that I have missed. Confession number two: I don't trust newspapers. Confession three: I hate war, and to be honest, I am not really interested in it's details. Does this make me foolish and ignorant? Probably yes, but at least I admit it. I've always known that I am a human being who likes to seek out and understand the redeeming qualities in other human beings, and the nasty truths of war sometimes drop off my radar. I know this is a fault of mine, because there is one truth I do know: the world would not have beauty if it did not also have its share of pain and cruelty. So both sides should be paid attention to and tried to be understood.

I live in Tamil Nadu, the origin of the Tamil people. In general, I would say the Tamils here do NOT relate to the Tamils in Sri Lanka-- they see them as a group of people who left India a long time ago, and the Tamil Tigers, well they were just some extremists who had a crazy evil leader. The only thing people in Tamil Nadu have with Tamil Tigers is the word Tamil (ok, and a language and religion). However, in church today the priest read a letter written by the Tamil bishops in Pondicherry, calling his parish to "Pray for and support their Tamil brother and sisters in Sri Lanka, innocent civilians, whose civil rights are being so terribly violated in refugee camps. Women and children are dying everyday...." There was a collection taken up that was to be sent to the clergy in Colombo who are trying to help the refugees. Thank God someone here is talking about it, I really was wondering.

Sri Lanka definitely sees India as a stinky, dirty, chaotic and inferior place. You can tell Sri Lanka has always been more wealthy and less populated than India, and they are proud of it. India is also the land where the Tamils came from. At the Colombo airport they wouldn't even change Indian ruppees, and India is the the only country within a 1,000 miles of Sri Lanka. Sri Lankans definitely get a rise from turning down Indian ruppees. On the airplane they were selling duty free goods only in US Dollars. A man asked if he could pay the equivalent in Indian ruppees and the steward's response NO was so snobby I wanted to scream, "I'm the only damn American on this plane and I don't even have any US Dollars on me, you jerk!" But I didn't say that. I only said, HMMM. But at the airport when they wouldn't change my hard earned Indian ruppees, I did ask why. All I got was a smile and a shrug. Good ole AmEx travelers checks paid for my very expensive taxi ride to the train station and my very cheap train ticket to Bentota.

Tourism seems to be one of the few things that Sri Lanka has left, and in Bentota I felt the height of that desperation. The minute I got off the train, I was followed by a man who wanted to "help" me find my guesthouse. I did ask him where it was, but after he pointed me in the right direction, I assured him that I would be able to find it. He followed me gabbing the whole time and staring at me with hungry eyes. I can sense a wolf when I see one, so I walked silently and ignored him. "What, you don't speak now? I like the way you speak. I'm not selling you anything, I just want to help you..." After a while I stopped and yelled, "Go away! I did not come here to be followed!" (remember: 13 hours of traveling at this point in time) as I pointed down the road from where we came, the opposite direction from where I was going ALONE. I was hassled twice more by men speaking in a not-so-nice voice on my way to Wasana, but no others followed me. This was to be repeated many times in the next two days. Men who wanted to show me a nice beach, a nice restaurant or a nice party. The worst was my waiter at the one restaurant where I ate out in while in Bentota. Of course my answer was always NO WAY, in various tones of politeness. It certainly made me appreciate how blessedly left alone I am in Pondicherry.

Three more things about money: 1) Dear Chandra could not shut-up about money and how he was not going to rip me off at his guesthouse. I told him I appreciated this greatly, and I also did not make money a priority in my life. We were kindred spirits. I understood him the first time. The thing was he decided to repeat this speech ad nauseum. 2) An antique store was selling a tiny Ganesh statue for $860 US DOLLARS! The lady there was very nice, but I wanted to ask her if she ever sold anything. 3) I went into the only place in town open on a Sunday where I could send an email to my parents saying I was here safe and sound. The young man told me they were a little busy (uploading his friends pictures), and I said I'd wait. After 10 minutes I said, "You know, I'll only be a minute, in and out, really fast." (Thinking why is your store even open if this is the way you treat customers?) He said "Ok". I really was done in 90 seconds, and he asked for 50 ruppees. (Note: no one has change in the country, at least they won't give it to you). I told him that was ridiculous, it would have cost 2 ruppees in India, and I gave him the 15 I had in change and left with a scowl. What was all this about? Desperation is the only thing that comes to mind.

Is it cruel to do all this venting about Sri Lanka? I'm just trying to express a little bit about that double edged sword, beauty and pain, that I have come to understand a little more clearly. Enough about money and war, two topics I highly dislike. But as you can see, I have been forced to confront them after my recent trip to Sri Lanka.

The country was full of gorgeous Buddahs and Buddhist temples, something I greatly admired while I was there. Non-violence is a big element in the Buddhist faith, and in the Karmic sense they believe that any violence you produce into the world will only come back to harm you. I haven't felt this more acutely anywhere than in Sri Lanka these days. And you know, I don't think that the people of Sri Lanka really wanted any of this war or violence. The people I encountered I believe were genuinely peaceful and loving. Folks, please pray for Sri Lanka and its people, both the Sinhalese and the Tamils. They need it, they are grieving and looking for a better way. Sri Lanka deserves a bright future. At its core it is an extremely beautiful and unique country.

When I was back in India and finally on the bus leaving Chennai, I looked out at the crazy, polluted, congested streets with all the people going about their daily business in that casual and content way that Indians have. I thought these streets looked more charming, happy and peaceful than any other streets I had ever seen. A tear came to my eye and I wondered what was that all about, was I really that happy to be back in India? Yes, I was and now I think I understand why.

More reading if you want:
http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,25197,26050782-7583,00.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/8240415.stm